Oh What a Year! Part 6:GOODBYE to my old self; HELLO strong, healthy, confident, self aware, adult ME!

    So as you can see its been an intense year!! The months from May-Aug were really full on, with lots of self doubt and bouts of sadness and anxiety. There were some of the toughest months Ive faced in a very long time, if not ever! I am so thankful that my relationship with OM is so stable and in such a great place. I just had to really search deep to find more of myself to help me cope with everything that was going on. It helped me assess the priorities in my life, where I want to be going, am I on the right path and who can I count on to be on the path with me. It really is true that in times of crisis you learn who your true friends are and you learn more about your relationships and yourself than any other time. I had to reassess a few of my relationships and unfortunately I was let down by a number of people I counted on- which just compounds that sad, self doubting feeling. But I came out the other end and Iam thinking more clearly than ever and feel that I finally have direction. I am actually proud of myself and OM for what we've acomplished in the last year, and I finally have more time for those that matter most who were there for ME when I needed them because they know that no matter what I would (and have been) there for them.

I feel like this year has tested us (and many we know have also had a really rough year) but we passed and are now (sadly) removing the shells of our childhood and youth and embarking on lives as adults. Last year I felt in a way that I took a little break from my life, with trying midwifery and testing new things, and now im back with all this new knowledge and experience which are armoring me with whats to come. Im no longer relying on others, Im no longer saying yes just to please others or to make myself feel better (helping others does make me feel good, but no longer at the expense of being exhauseted of feeling used)- Iam self aware enough to say NO when I cant or just dont want to do something. I have more faith in letting things just happen the way they are meant to, and trust that there is a plan of some kind. I am trying to listen to my body more and work more with energies and breathing. Im in the mind set that my direction will take me to a place of helping people- and ive learned now that advocating for women and birth wont come from midwifery in this country so ill use my skills and strengths to do this through social work, through working with schools, through childbirth and sexual health and fertility education which I hope to strart studying soon, and a passion for working with high school students has really begun to flourish (so who knows whether my end to uni will last). I cant wait to be married to my OceanMan and have our beautiful secluded forest wedding, which hopefully also be the time where we will be ready to start making babies! I feel refreshed (although a little worn and exhausted), but inspired to see what comes next! Hopefully things will continue to flourish, fingers crossed that I update more often too!

Oh What a Year! Part 5: Goodbye being single, Hello Married Life!

As mentioned in an earlier post, we are engaged!! Yep, we have succumbed to adult life!! That trip away (particularly Varkela and Pai) really strengthened our already strong relationship and made us realise that what we want in life are the simple things like sunshine, beautiful surroundings, fulfilling jobs that are not too stressful, and to always have time for and with each other! Some of my family members of our family had bets on that we would get engaged overseas, so for those of you who did also i say haha, NOPE! He was tricky about it and didnt want to be cliche. We arrived back on the 29th Jan. A week later on the 7th Feb we celebrated our 7th Anniversary together- from what I understand about 7's is that it is a powerful number things are often made or broken around the number 7, and I definitely believe it to be true. Daisy-Lady was also coming up to 7 years with her partner and sadly at that time they separated. Its as if after 7 years we start to really reevaluate our priorities and what we want in our life. OceanMan has never really liked talking about commitment- especially not putting labels on it. Of course he was always committed, common, 7 years! but just didnt really like to talk about marriage and the future, it was always just far away in the future. After my cousin got married, well my family really started to be on to him about 'putting a ring on it' which I sometimes got sucked into a wondered whether he ever would 'want' that (even though I wasn't sure I wanted it, I just wanted him to want to want to think of me as forever... how silly is that!) and other times brushed off because i know i dont need a silly ring for him to be committed to me- our culture is so backwards!!

Because he had always avoided those conversations as much as i thought it could happen that day I didnt really think it would because he just hadnt really given any indication that things were different and he was 'ready.' But it was an amazingly special day that is going to be hard to put into words. First we were so lucky with the weather, it was beautiful and sunny and warm. We were still in the blissful post-travel bubble- reality hadnt quite hit. I woke up to a beautiful REAL Lotus flower sitting on the table for me- Lotuses are my absolute favourite flower and obsession and have always wanted a real one. Turns out it was quite the effort to get it and hide it from me! We got dressed up and went for a buffet breakfast at our favourite hotel that we go to sometimes on special occasions which is overlooking the beach at Glenelg. Its pretty expensive so I thought it much be a special day for him to justify spending money we didn't have! We went to a wander down to Brighton where there is a bench that we used to sit on a look over the beach and chat when we first started dating. After a while down there we went home where we made sushi together a he got changed and said I might like to too. He "suited up" in a cool vest-suit hed found in an opshop, which he never does and I thought was a bit odd. I got changed too and we went for a mystery drive to the Botanic Gardens at Mt Lofty which is another of our favourite romantic spots that we used to often fo to when we first started dating and go on special occasions. We had a picnic lunch and lay out in the sun just discussing the coming year. After a while he got a bit jittery and fidgety. He put on some music with his ipod- my favourite (which he isnt a big fan of) Ray LaMontagne which was when things  started to seem more sus, then he got out some wine and my fav Gin and orange and proceeded then to pull out a ring, get on one knee and read out a poem that he had written in Varkela while was was doing my Reiki course. I bawled my eyes out like a little baby- its funny how you never know how you are going to react to a situation like that . The poem was beautiful and the ring! well the ring was extra special because he walked up and down the streets of Varkela trying to find something special and sentimental and that matched the style I liked which was similar to the antique rings of my mum and Oma's rings. On our last day when he thought he had exhausted his search he had found one that I loved and secretly went back to buy it and hide it the whole way back home. It is so beautiful. (although because it is silver and marquesite and wont last long enough to become an heirloom we decided to have it remade, incorporating aspects of my mums ring into it- I get it from the jewelers on wed so will be sure to update!) When he asked me amidst my tears I just kept asking in laughter "are you sure, are you sure?" of course I said YES! It was such an amazing and surreal day and we were on cloud 9 for the next few weeks! It really did bring us closer together because we had made that next step. It is all symbolic but it does feel like there is a slight psychological shift too that we have now commited to spend our lives together and wouldnt have it any other way. We love each other more than words can say and have a great communicative, trusting, warm and most of all FUN relationship and while I hate all the negative connotations that come with marriage and what it used to mean for women in terms of being 'owned' and of course how exclusive our society has made marriage, to mean between man and woman instead of between two people who love each other (no matter what gender they affiliate) we will make marriage mean what we want it to be and have fun with it- even if that means just embracing the commitment we have made to one another.


I didnt tell anyone that we got engaged that night, even though I was busting to! We decided to keep it special and between us before all the wedding crap began. We also didnt want to tell one parent before another so we decided to get them all together as it would be fun to make an announcement and keep them guessing for a while. Whats funny though it that most people thought we were pregnant, then they thought we must be moving away and only lastly did they think we were engaged!! It was so much fun to call up our family and ask them to meet us as a desert bar on a monday night and lie to them about why we were going there- each person something different! My mum had her suspicions, but everyone else was pretty suprised but overjoyed and over the moon. There were lots of tears and moist-eyes and we were able to cotinue our bliss with our family's support.


I have to admit that engagement party planning (especially without Mac) and wedding planning have not been quite as fun as that first initial week, and really we should have just had a surprise wedding at the engagement party, but the stress of moving house, trying to find new tenants, selling my car, settling in to a new tough job AND planning an engagement party (while only close family still ended up around 65 people) was a tough gig. Its hard working around what you would like a wedding to be about- in our case we want it as Eco, DIY, close-nit, earthy, with just close family, representing our individuality and love for each other- and NOT about the expectations of others. Our engagement party while stressful to plan (but giving us good practice) was a really fun day. We made it a Mad Hatters Tea Party Theme and collected lots of teapots and tea sets to decorate the hall. We invited only close family and everyone did their bit to contribute. My parents made the food, OM's mum and sister helped with the tea sets and organised and amazing dessert bar, his dad and dad's partner organised alcohol and decorations and some food and my best girlies (who were so patient with me) and I decorated the cake and hall. Updates on wedding planning will follow as there is not long to go now and im not very organised- any hints or tips are very welcomed!

Oh What a year! Part 4: Goodbye to Good Friends

  My bestest friend who I will call 'Mac' (because i dont know anyone else so obsessed with Apple and is my techno assist) who was featured in a previous post left for a 5 month exchange to Japan the day after we got back from our trip so we had to say goodbye to him just as we were saying hello. The thing about him being away, apart from missing the movie nights, and drunken foolishness and his constant knowledge on the most ridiculous things- and important things like what movies and shows to download, but he was in Japan during the Earthquakes! He was fine of course, and didnt really see what everyone was so worried about him because he was *soo* far away from them, but still, its nice to have him back again! He brought us back the most ridiculous Kit Kat flavours (yes giving in to the evil of nestle, but only for Mac) like sweet potato, cheese and green tea!!

Mac saying hello with his hat in honour of not being around for out mad hatters engagement party!

Check out his photography blog at: http://www.talesfromthecamera.blogspot.com/

 I also have to add here that we also had to say a deeply sad goodbye to a dear dear friend who was like an uncle to me. He passed away in July and it really really rocked me and my family- especially beacuse Ive never had to deal with death that close to me before and one minute he was there like he always was and the next minute he's not! Its so hard because you can see the pain that is being suffered by his family but nothing will make it better and all we could do was be there and make things more comfortable for them- but everything seems so unhelpful and issues seem so trivial compared. Death and goodbyes are not something I cope with well so with everything else going on at that time I became so confused and lost. You start to wonder what youd do with out other close people in your life- its freaking scare! You really do start to question life and happiness so much more and I started to get to frustrated by so many people around me and their inability to make positive choices in their life that would not only positively impact them, but also those around them. I think i just became really frustrated and disollusioned with people and life in general. This friend who passed was an inspiration because he was just so happy-go-lucky, and like us was interested in living a simple but happy life. He was your ultimate nice guy who lived for his family and to cycle and be happy! He and his wife had been blissfully married for over 30 years (since she was 15) and he adored his daughter more than anything (even his bike)! It was just so unfair that he got taken too early! You dont really realise how much impact someone has on your life and your consciousness until your forced to say goodbye and think about it more clearly. I certainly have taken a deeper interest in learning more about grief and loss therapy because ive always avoided it because i find it too hard, but its a necessary part of life- if only to help his family and those in my life who will ultimately lose someone they love. No words ever seem adequate!

so with all the changes and craziness, grief and loss came in every way imaginable this year!

Oh What a year! Part 3; Goodbye LTL 174;

    It was a very sad day the day I had to say goodbye to my Melvin. My baby, my pride and joy, my second love! As youve probably gathered I have a great love for my VWs, and Melvin was the car I had always dreamed about as a little kid. I have wanted a Beetle since I was 3 and I got a toy one and stated to my parents that this was the car I was going to have when I grew up... and with the help of my dad I made it my mission. I bought a yellow beetle when i first got my license, but it was riddled with rust and needed a lot of work, so I set out to find the Green beetle id always wanted. I found Melvin on Gumtree in Melbourne with  the numberplate LTL 174 (unfortunately though the numberplate had to be changed when it was registered in SA). It was the perfect car! We did lots of work to it, but it treated me well. I never thought I would have to say goodbye to my 1974 Grasshopper Green VW Beetle! It was the perfect colour, I loved the fact that it was air cooled and always the perfect temperature, the mag wheels, the sun roof, the waves from other VW drivers, the punches you see from kids doing 'punch buggy' and most of all the sound of it coming up the driveway! We had to make a decision about Melvin because I got a work car with my job that even had paid petrol so Melvin was just sitting in the driveway not being used. I didnt have the money to just keep it or do it up like I wanted to, and I knew id have to upgrade evenutally because its fiddly if youve gone shopping or have others in in. I couldnt have it as a car to take kids around in mostly due to space requirements (2 door) and safety, it needed new tires and a few things done and it wasnt getting used. And of course after driving a new car it was hard to get back in to it and think of it as a main car. I had always thought that I would just keep it and be able to afford to get another main car, but that wasnt really practical when we thought about the logistics of that, especially when we had the Kombi that needed to be stored somewhere, AND it goes against our eco ethics. I also couldnt afford to keep it registered and insured and do the things that needed doing. It seemed like money just sitting there being wasted which could be put into the Kombi that we want to go travelling in and could take kids in.... but could I really sell it?? I decided to advertise on Gumtree and see if I got any interest. With the amound of work that I had done I put the price higher than James thought I would get, but what I felt it was worth and if I had interest then it was meant to be, and if not then I wouldnt sell. I didnt get any interest to begin with, but then I got a phone call from someone in Mt Gambier who didnt even need to negotiate and just wanted it like that! I was shocked and in denial- how could I be doing this??! For the price he was offering i would be silly to refuse- but I had always said I would be buried in my Bug, and that I would keep it and restore it because their value just keeps going up and this was a prized car! But with our current situation it was silly to not take it up, so two weeks before we moved house and while I was getting settled into my new job I had to say goodbye to my favourite little Beetle- yes I cried and cried as I heard it drive out of our driveway for the last time....

I have had updates from the new owner that Melvin has had a total new respray (same colour), all dents and rust fixed, new interior, reupholstered seats, and a whole lots of other work done so at least he is being loved and having done what I would have liked to do and who knows maybe one day I can buy him back!

Oh What a Year! Part 2; Goodbye cozy unit, Hello grown up house in the hills!

The next thing to say goodbye to was our house- yep, we finally did it! After getting the job we finally had better credentials to be accepted for somewhere, but man this was hard work! We went to soooo many house inspections and Daisy-lady started to get pretty fed up with hearing about our latest 'perfect-house' and then whatever happened to make it not so perfect! There were many we just didnt get, there was one we wanted to sign up to immediately, even though it was pretty far away and in a isolated location, and then we found out that the person was leaving because the house kept getting broken into, there was one we loved but it was being sold so there was no stability, there was another that had amazing views (and OceanMan fell in love with) but it was falling apart, had a dangerous driveway and had the most hideous wallpaper you have ever seen! We would have to do ALOT of work like painting and pulling up carpet to make it comfortable which I just didnt want to have to deal with- especially on a rental. and then there was OurPlace... We were started to get disillusioned that we just werent meant to move, that maybe we werent ready, maybe we should just appreciate the security we have, or maybe move into OceanMan's mum's place to save some money. The lease was quickly running out and we didnt want to have to break lease, or stay for another year.. time was ticking and real estate.com just wasnt providing! I found OurPlace at the same time as the one that was falling apart that he loved but I wasnt sold on. He didnt get to go to the inspection, but I did and it turned out to be the same agent that have us the chance on our first place which we ended staying in for three years! She got excited about us in this place immediately and hinted that if we wanted it it was ours. We filled out the forms for both places and were convinced we would be offered both and then which do we choose? One was big, unique, with amazing views and the other was in a great location but what OceanMan referred to as the 'Safe' option- I personally liked the safe option- especially if were going to stay for a while and have kids! Turns out we didnt even get the big unique house because we didnt offer more money (and turns out that tenant only lasted a month and did all these renovations without even asking permission!). We of course got the place where we knew the agent and were so excited (and apprehensive seeing as I was the only one who had seen it). But we did have to break the lease by around a few months so we arranged to not move in for about 6 weeks which gave the current tenant time because she was also breaking her lease, and us to find someone else so we werent up for heaps of fees. The agents (different to our original agent and the one who gave us this house, she is great) were terrible in assisting with finding new tenants- while it is up to the tenant to find new people and pay the costs, she didnt even come to the inspections- we had to do it all! It was pretty awkward for people to be walking around our house while we were standing there and not the agent! But anyway we found someone good and the fees ended up being very small because we had been there so long. So on the 15th July we moved into our new big hills place! Its 2-3 bedrooms, big kitchen, lounge, sep dining, laundry, 2nd toilet, new bathroom, BIG yard!! and OceanMan loves it!! Its in a great location, we can have pets and it just suits us so well.

The only issues have been... we just had to begin by getting rid of the mouse infestation in the kitchen/oven and now its all good. We also live right next to a school (who own it) and we have heard rumours that they want to bulldoze it and turn it into a basketball court asap and even though we stated on our application specifially that we wanted somewhere we could stay for a few years, they can do what they like so if we have to move in a year we will be devastated!!! So for the moment Im holding off from getting my chickens. The best part though is that my Nonna will finally be able to know that ive moved out of home without condemning me to hell for living in sin- or causing her extra stress that she doesnt need. Updates will follow!

Oh What a Year!! Part 1; Saying Goodbye to UNI and Hello to the Real World!

   This has been one MASSIVE year!! With this post hopefully you'll understand why I have been so absent! There have been lots and lots of goodbyes and many hellos and new beginnings, so id like to dedicate a post to these. We began the year on a plane entering Delhi where we were flabbergasted by so many emotions of being in such a foreign place- but enjoyed the adventure of course. While there we had to make some big decisions about the coming year as it was soon approaching and we were up in the air with so many things. We had to make decisions on pretty much everything- do I go back to uni? which degree to I finish? Where will OceanMan work? where will I work? Do we resign our lease on our tiny unit or find a bigger place? How will be afford a bigger place? Should be stay in SA or move to somewhere more tropical like Byron or the great ocean road? Should be start thinking about getting married yet? Are we ready for a baby yet?

Saying GOODBYE to UNI and HELLO to a new JOB:
We were getting back in to Aust in Feb, and uni goes back in march so I had to decide what to do about uni, and whether I could find a job that could double as a placement for my social work degree so that we could afford to pay back our trip, move house, upgrade our cars and plan for a family... stressful times!! I wasnt really enjoying the midwifery degree like I thought i would, i felt it went against so many of my ethics and values, and the degree itself was just a joke- no one gives a shit about you! the curriculum had so many flaws and no matter how many times people complained they were made to feel small and silly. The bullying culture in midwifery is unbelievable and there is no support for students- particularly when they need to debrief and I just couldnt continue in something so against what I believe to be right. This was pretty much made concrete after an amazing inspiring and mind blowing placement at the woman centered and empowering Pregnancy Advisory Centre where everything I wanted from a job in Social Work that combined truly women centered care was highlighted- that it could be achieved. After getting a nursing supervisor whom I had never met, who had strong personal prejudices against abortion and those who are pro choice, AND who had no idea about the requirements of midwifery students began to bully me (and I have never been bullied before in my life!) starting over the internet I was fed up! I was so thankful to the staff at my placement who supported me and stood by me and advocated for me, but I could not say the same for the uni staff who seem to enjoy this bullying culture! I missed the Social Work faculty so much and was fed up with bitchy, catty, manipulative, closed minded, uneducated, unethical and over medicalised views! The birth culture in Australia is just getting further and further away from the Midwifery I want to practice, and with a good friend- know is the most knowledgeable and experienced midwife I know currently on trial for the death of a baby that would have happened in a hospital, the fear and stakes are too high and I will just have to find another way to advocate for women without becoming a brainwashed robot.

So our trip away really was the start of a whole new life for us! The first thing I did was contact the social work department to say I was coming back to finish my last 2 topics, then midwifery to say I was deferring (who tried to be sickly sweet so I wouldnt leave because the drop out rate for the year was so excessive). Then I left my job at the organic store and embarked on an intense (and confidence rocking) few weeks of application writing!

OceanMan luckily came back to Aust with some steady work for the first term, but was still finding it difficult to nail down teaching jobs. During this time of me sitting at home writing applications all day and fretting about money we hunted for houses, and tried to decide whether we were going to stay (because we didnt really have anything stable here and it would be a good time to pick up and go), or move to Byron or Tourquay. We put in a couple of applications of houses, with no success. The retail market had just shot up and prices were rising, and more and more people were applying- without stable jobs it was going to be hard to get something. We kept changing our minds from definitely moving, to definitely staying. On a day when we had finally decided 'yep were moving' I got a call from a job I had applied for and James got a call for an interview- so we took it as a sign that with no money at all and a hate for too much unplanned change with reluctantly decided it was a sign that we should stay and try to make it work for a year while we save up!

So things started to fall into place! I said goodbye to uni, to my dreams of midwifery (for now at least), to my job in retail which I had been in since high school and hello to the real world! I got the job as a Youth Project Officer at a Mental Health organisastion where I facilitate and plan an 8 week program for youth in schools- AND I got to use it as my final placement so ive finally got a 'thing' and I can officially call myself a social worker!! This was a tough six months as everything was happening at once and like I said Im not great with too much change and disruption all at once. My job was more challenging and isolating that i had expected but i feel that I have really surpassed my own expectations of what I thought I could achieve and my own skills and abilities. It took alot of confidence rocking and self doubting to finally reach an understanding that actually I CAN do it, and I AM good at it, whether ive got concrete evidence or not. I just have to keep reminding myself this, and not let it become a struggle like it did this year. Ive also got a Social Work Student that i started supervising in Aug, and another work colleague who I both adore and are helping keep any self doubt at bay (for now at least)! I do miss my mid friends and being in the birth-community more actively, but things seem to be going where they should and my passion for working in a school environment and empowering adolescent girls just keeps growing. And after 12 years of school, 6.5 years of uni and 2.5 degrees, ive officially said goodbye to uni/school for the first time ever and it feels great!