Anti

Some one said to me the other day, "you are really anti doctors arent you? you really need to open your mind" I was flabbergasted and went red (as i do when i get embarrassed, which just makes it worse) and said shyly, "well, ive just had some bad experiences" and turned away. After thinking about this for a while, i wondered, am I 'anti' doctors, am i 'anti' anything? and more importantly, how am i coming across to others? I thought more about this and thought, hang on, isnt it ok for me to be skeptical based on the evidence, the stories of others and my experiences? why is it ok to be anti homebirth but its not to be 'anti' doctors? As i pondered this for a while i came to the realisation that the reason i was feeling so embarrassed and vulnerable was because being skeptical of 'doctors' around birth is not seen to be ok, and knowing that i am pretty vocal (often just to stir a debate, which i feel is useful for learning), it is definitely something that i am conscious about and dont really feel comfortable in people pulling me up on. I dont know whether this is because of society (and uni's) general view that you should always trust the doctors, or whether its because i know im not experienced enough or can recite the literature off my heart that can prove with evidence how i feel deep down- what my intuition is telling me that we should question everyone, not just doctors! Then after a bit longer i just started to get really pissed off! pissed off that i allowed myself to get upset about what someone said, pissed at myself for putting too many of my opinions out there to be judged wrongly, pissed at her tone and the way that she had said it in such a condescending way, pissed off that i try really hard to be open to anything, i really just have not had good experiences with doctors, and i specifically go around and talk with independent, labour ward and birth centre midwives as well as any obs i can chat to in order to 'open my mind' and views so that i can better make an educated decision in my practice. But most pissed off because im so frustrated in the way that uni is structured! we go to uni to learn and above all to learn how to question- everything, but more than ever i feel that if you dont think a certain way or have a certain view on things, you are shut down, but in a box, labelled and shunned, even if what you think might be valid.

Im sure i am totally over-reacting and she probably didnt mean it in the way that i have taken in, but it has certainly made me think about about myself, the way i project myself and the rigid expectations of those around me who will most likely be my professional colleagues. This particular person im sure, like many people within the profession probably wont go to the same extent that i am to do to 'prove' that i am getting an overall perspective of all maternity models even if i dont like it, but with an open mind that i might. How many 'mainstream,' hospital focused practitioners will attend or support homebirth because it is a reasonable choice that women should have and to make sure that they have seen 'the whole picture'?



I had a long chat with some of my friends who really made me feel better and reassured me that i should not feel uncomfortable with speaking my mind and i dont need to analyse what im going to say in fear of putting others off (obviously as long as its in a way that wont offend) because it is helpful to have all different view points in class to discuss in order to 'open' up people to things they had not even thought about. And it is ok to disagree with others, as long as no one makes you feel stupid about what you think. Discussions and differing opinions are so important for learning. I certainly learn from others stories about the practice of certain doctors, and it gives me hope that i will soon have a good experience with a doctors, and i am opened up by the cultural, religious and human differences of others that i can take on board and either wholeheartedly agree with (and may alter my own views) or disagree with, but i would hope that i never belittle anyone like i was today, of someone who didnt agree with homebirth, or something else that i believe in. I could try to tell them why i believe this, but why do they need to think the same as me? I dont think everyone should be a vegetarian and i would never preach about it, its a choice that i have made for myself that works for me, full-stop! women need choices, and in order to get choice you need people with different opinions assisting them to achieve that. If everyone felt the same then world would be pretty mundane and lack choice wouldnt it?! And if all midwives felt the same as i feel they want us to at uni then there would only be one type of birth choice and that i feel is quite wrong.Every person, pregnancy, birth and baby is different.

I know that there are many midwives and women/families out there who agree with me in my belief, and i also know there are alot of docs (and midwives) who dont, but me being skepitcal about the practice of doctors does not make me closed minded, in fact for anyone who knows me knows that i strive really hard to practice without judgment, without bias and above all with as much information and experience that i can, but at the end of the day if i choose to be independent and if i am wholeheartedly passionate about homebirth, with the knowledge that obs, hospitals and c-sections are absolutely vital to our society and a choice that women are entitled to then that should be ok, and i hate that i feel so crap about it and have to justify myself to someone i dont even know!

For the record, i am proud to say that in these short 6 months that i have been studying midwifery i have been privileged enough to have attended 5 extremely different birthing experience all in a different model of care, from a homebirth, a birth centre and an emergency c-section to an elective cesarean and a private hospital birth with an ob all of which have been fantastic learning experiences in which i have not only learned alot about birth but also about myself- but i have not strayed from my passion to one day assist women to birth at home.