Oh What a Year! Part 6:GOODBYE to my old self; HELLO strong, healthy, confident, self aware, adult ME!

    So as you can see its been an intense year!! The months from May-Aug were really full on, with lots of self doubt and bouts of sadness and anxiety. There were some of the toughest months Ive faced in a very long time, if not ever! I am so thankful that my relationship with OM is so stable and in such a great place. I just had to really search deep to find more of myself to help me cope with everything that was going on. It helped me assess the priorities in my life, where I want to be going, am I on the right path and who can I count on to be on the path with me. It really is true that in times of crisis you learn who your true friends are and you learn more about your relationships and yourself than any other time. I had to reassess a few of my relationships and unfortunately I was let down by a number of people I counted on- which just compounds that sad, self doubting feeling. But I came out the other end and Iam thinking more clearly than ever and feel that I finally have direction. I am actually proud of myself and OM for what we've acomplished in the last year, and I finally have more time for those that matter most who were there for ME when I needed them because they know that no matter what I would (and have been) there for them.

I feel like this year has tested us (and many we know have also had a really rough year) but we passed and are now (sadly) removing the shells of our childhood and youth and embarking on lives as adults. Last year I felt in a way that I took a little break from my life, with trying midwifery and testing new things, and now im back with all this new knowledge and experience which are armoring me with whats to come. Im no longer relying on others, Im no longer saying yes just to please others or to make myself feel better (helping others does make me feel good, but no longer at the expense of being exhauseted of feeling used)- Iam self aware enough to say NO when I cant or just dont want to do something. I have more faith in letting things just happen the way they are meant to, and trust that there is a plan of some kind. I am trying to listen to my body more and work more with energies and breathing. Im in the mind set that my direction will take me to a place of helping people- and ive learned now that advocating for women and birth wont come from midwifery in this country so ill use my skills and strengths to do this through social work, through working with schools, through childbirth and sexual health and fertility education which I hope to strart studying soon, and a passion for working with high school students has really begun to flourish (so who knows whether my end to uni will last). I cant wait to be married to my OceanMan and have our beautiful secluded forest wedding, which hopefully also be the time where we will be ready to start making babies! I feel refreshed (although a little worn and exhausted), but inspired to see what comes next! Hopefully things will continue to flourish, fingers crossed that I update more often too!

Oh What a Year!! Part 1; Saying Goodbye to UNI and Hello to the Real World!

   This has been one MASSIVE year!! With this post hopefully you'll understand why I have been so absent! There have been lots and lots of goodbyes and many hellos and new beginnings, so id like to dedicate a post to these. We began the year on a plane entering Delhi where we were flabbergasted by so many emotions of being in such a foreign place- but enjoyed the adventure of course. While there we had to make some big decisions about the coming year as it was soon approaching and we were up in the air with so many things. We had to make decisions on pretty much everything- do I go back to uni? which degree to I finish? Where will OceanMan work? where will I work? Do we resign our lease on our tiny unit or find a bigger place? How will be afford a bigger place? Should be stay in SA or move to somewhere more tropical like Byron or the great ocean road? Should be start thinking about getting married yet? Are we ready for a baby yet?

Saying GOODBYE to UNI and HELLO to a new JOB:
We were getting back in to Aust in Feb, and uni goes back in march so I had to decide what to do about uni, and whether I could find a job that could double as a placement for my social work degree so that we could afford to pay back our trip, move house, upgrade our cars and plan for a family... stressful times!! I wasnt really enjoying the midwifery degree like I thought i would, i felt it went against so many of my ethics and values, and the degree itself was just a joke- no one gives a shit about you! the curriculum had so many flaws and no matter how many times people complained they were made to feel small and silly. The bullying culture in midwifery is unbelievable and there is no support for students- particularly when they need to debrief and I just couldnt continue in something so against what I believe to be right. This was pretty much made concrete after an amazing inspiring and mind blowing placement at the woman centered and empowering Pregnancy Advisory Centre where everything I wanted from a job in Social Work that combined truly women centered care was highlighted- that it could be achieved. After getting a nursing supervisor whom I had never met, who had strong personal prejudices against abortion and those who are pro choice, AND who had no idea about the requirements of midwifery students began to bully me (and I have never been bullied before in my life!) starting over the internet I was fed up! I was so thankful to the staff at my placement who supported me and stood by me and advocated for me, but I could not say the same for the uni staff who seem to enjoy this bullying culture! I missed the Social Work faculty so much and was fed up with bitchy, catty, manipulative, closed minded, uneducated, unethical and over medicalised views! The birth culture in Australia is just getting further and further away from the Midwifery I want to practice, and with a good friend- know is the most knowledgeable and experienced midwife I know currently on trial for the death of a baby that would have happened in a hospital, the fear and stakes are too high and I will just have to find another way to advocate for women without becoming a brainwashed robot.

So our trip away really was the start of a whole new life for us! The first thing I did was contact the social work department to say I was coming back to finish my last 2 topics, then midwifery to say I was deferring (who tried to be sickly sweet so I wouldnt leave because the drop out rate for the year was so excessive). Then I left my job at the organic store and embarked on an intense (and confidence rocking) few weeks of application writing!

OceanMan luckily came back to Aust with some steady work for the first term, but was still finding it difficult to nail down teaching jobs. During this time of me sitting at home writing applications all day and fretting about money we hunted for houses, and tried to decide whether we were going to stay (because we didnt really have anything stable here and it would be a good time to pick up and go), or move to Byron or Tourquay. We put in a couple of applications of houses, with no success. The retail market had just shot up and prices were rising, and more and more people were applying- without stable jobs it was going to be hard to get something. We kept changing our minds from definitely moving, to definitely staying. On a day when we had finally decided 'yep were moving' I got a call from a job I had applied for and James got a call for an interview- so we took it as a sign that with no money at all and a hate for too much unplanned change with reluctantly decided it was a sign that we should stay and try to make it work for a year while we save up!

So things started to fall into place! I said goodbye to uni, to my dreams of midwifery (for now at least), to my job in retail which I had been in since high school and hello to the real world! I got the job as a Youth Project Officer at a Mental Health organisastion where I facilitate and plan an 8 week program for youth in schools- AND I got to use it as my final placement so ive finally got a 'thing' and I can officially call myself a social worker!! This was a tough six months as everything was happening at once and like I said Im not great with too much change and disruption all at once. My job was more challenging and isolating that i had expected but i feel that I have really surpassed my own expectations of what I thought I could achieve and my own skills and abilities. It took alot of confidence rocking and self doubting to finally reach an understanding that actually I CAN do it, and I AM good at it, whether ive got concrete evidence or not. I just have to keep reminding myself this, and not let it become a struggle like it did this year. Ive also got a Social Work Student that i started supervising in Aug, and another work colleague who I both adore and are helping keep any self doubt at bay (for now at least)! I do miss my mid friends and being in the birth-community more actively, but things seem to be going where they should and my passion for working in a school environment and empowering adolescent girls just keeps growing. And after 12 years of school, 6.5 years of uni and 2.5 degrees, ive officially said goodbye to uni/school for the first time ever and it feels great!